dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
