I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
