the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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