I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
