Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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