I want to make a zoo with you.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
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I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
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He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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