why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
