CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
