I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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