No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Don't make out with my wife yet
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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