I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
