I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
ugly people sure do ruin things
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
