i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I think my nap took me to another dimension
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
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