This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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