I looked at my own cervix.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
