I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I touched a dick in church today
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
