3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
