my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
