I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
