If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I supernannyed him into submission
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
And then he peed in my hair
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
