Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
