Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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