you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
