I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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