Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
