how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
it's like heaven, but drunker
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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