True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
