While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
