my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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