the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
