Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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