I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
