My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
