Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
