my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
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This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
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She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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