Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
