She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
