Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
