so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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