Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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