JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
