I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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