It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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