i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
