Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
