You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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