I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
