Cold hands, warm shart.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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