We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
