At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
