Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
