sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
