just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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