Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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