he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
