Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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