you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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