well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
This is my life. Enjoy the view
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
